The Letter
by DeathOfAMockingbird
Summary: It's been six weeks since the storm; since I broke you vow. Seven weeks since I last spoke to you or saw your beautiful smile. I know you have been struggling to understand, since even before my ultimate betrayal, what has been going on in my head. To be honest, I have been struggling with this as well. But one thing I do know is that I owe you answers.


A/N: So, I started writing this immediately after the season 9 finale and am just now getting around to posting. They might be a little out of character, but this is how I thought Arizona would repond.

* * *

_Calliope,_

_It's been six weeks since the storm; since I broke you vow. Seven weeks since I last spoke to you or saw your beautiful smile. I know you have been struggling to understand, since even before my ultimate betrayal, what has been going on in my head. To be honest, I have been struggling with this as well. But one thing I do know is that I owe you answers._

_This is not an apology or an excuse, rather, an explanation, my attempt at explaining my horrible behavior. You don't want or need me to beg forgiveness and spew apologies. They are just words, and no matter how much I mean them or how much I regret my decision, I crossed the line; I destroyed our life together. I owe you more than just apologies, so I will try to explain. I will try and give you the closure you deserve in order to fully move on and be happy, regardless of whether or not I am the person who makes you happy. _

_Our relationship was one of many obstacles, and we often fought to navigate the rough and choppy waters life threw at us, from my initial judgment of you to our argument over children and Africa to the car crash where I sent you and our daughter through the windshield. We overcame hurdle after hurdle, jumped through every flaming hoop that was presented to us, and pushed through every opposing force that sought to keep us apart. Callie and Arizona. _

_When the plane fell out of the sky, I was in shock. All I heard was screaming, and then, when Cristina yelled, I realized the screaming was coming from me. The plane was in half, and I was in so much pain. I could literally see my bone. Being tossed from a plane will do that. Cristina and Mark crawled out of the wreckage, and Meredith lay on the ground a few meters away. Cristina's shoulder was dislocated and Meredith had a massive piece of glass stuck in her thigh. Mark seemed shaken, but relatively unharmed. Lexie and Derek were missing. _

_We heard a thudding sound in the distance, and they rushed of to investigate. I later learned the sound came from Lexie, whose bottom half was trapped under the back of the plane. She bled out. Derek managed to find them his hand butchered and they realized Mark had massive internal injuries, the most pressing being a cardiac tampanad. Somehow they kept him alive, sutured and covered Derek's hand, and made it back to the plane. I splinted my leg and waited, trying to keep Jerry, the pilot, calm. He kept insisting they'd find us in four or five hours. _

_They didn't. _

_There was a small fire. I slept sitting up with Marks head in my lap. He was heartbroken over Lexie and I had no idea what to say to him, so I reminded him of you and Sofia, reminded him of what he had to come home to. Cristina took care of us. She picked the bugs out of my leg, gave me the last of the water, tried to keep Mark and Meredith and Derek warm and awake and alive. I honestly don't think she actually slept. _

_All I could think of was Karev. I was so hurt that he was going to Hopkins. I thought it was anger, but it was hurt from his betrayal. He betrayed me and he should've been on this plane, and I should've been home with you. I know now how unreasonable and childish and wrong I was to blame him, but deep down, a large part of me wished he was the one on the plane, as irrational and irresponsible as that is. But I can't blame him for my decision. I can't blame anyone but myself. _

_When we somehow made it back, I was so scared. I knew what shape my leg was in, but I also knew you. I wouldn't let them take my leg because I was so sure you could save it. As a doctor, I knew the odds, but I had seen you perform miracles before, so why couldn't you for me, your wife, the mother of your child? You made me a promise, Callie, you promised me you'd save my leg._

_You promised me. _

_And you broke that promise. _

_I won't say that I didn't blame you. Even now, a small part of me does, but I know that my blaming you is illogical and unreasonable. You were a perfect target for all of the hate and resentment I felt towards myself. _

_I forced myself on that plane. _

_But you promised me my leg. I've been told over and over by dozens of people exactly what happened. The infection I had been fighting was killing me, an infection based in my leg, the leg that you promised me you'd save. The rational, logical doctor in me understands, but the wife in me was so betrayed. I know begging you for my leg backed you into a corner, and it is in your nature to try and help rather than fight me and be my doctor. _

_You would never make that kind of promise to a patient. _

_But I wasn't just a patient, I was your wife. _

_I've spent hours with a therapist trying to analyze the source of my actions, the reasons for why I did what I did. _

_It wasn't to hurt you Calliope, it wasn't, though at first I thought it was. I had buried my true feeling so deep and they had morphed into something far darker than I could ever imagine. I stored the hurt and pain the way I store hurt and pain, deep down with the pain of my brothers death and my feelings of inadequacy compared to Mark. All of those negative feelings built up and I just needed to release them. I lashed out at you. I made you my target. I hurt you, my wife, in order to appease the monster that all of that darkness had spawned. _

_The monster I had become. _

_When she came, she had no idea of the darkness in me, the evil I had fostered in my heart. She knew about my leg and she still showered me with attention. She knew the superficial me I had once been because she was so like the younger version of me that I had been long before I moved to Seattle. Being around her made me feel like myself again. _

_She didn't really know me, though, or care for me. When we were in that on call room, I just felt like maybe I could be that woman I was before. I mean, that woman didn't yell or throw things. She reminded me of the me you fell in love with. It didn't occur to me how, though I'd changed, you did too. That we changed together, we grew together. I was trying to be someone I was long before the plane crash, someone, you had known before we faced obstacle after obstacle, when we were both free spirits and I was so confident in my skills of seduction that I kissed you in a bar bathroom. Even before I got onto that plane, the me I was would've never done that. _

_But in that moment, I was whole. I was happy and whole and bold enough to go after what I wanted. She made me feel like that me, and I got high on it. She didn't remind me of the monster I'd become. Except, in that moment, I truly became that monster._

_I pretend that I am better, that I'm healed. I pretend that I am who I was before the plane crash. But I am not, nor will I ever be. That night, I allowed myself to become the monster I'd tried to suppress._

_I am not saying any of this to get your pity. This isn't me fishing for compliments. This is me attempting to explain. _

_I not the person my parents raised me to be anymore. I'm not a good man in a storm and I didn't protect you, the woman I love. I hurt you, truly and deeply and I will never forgive myself. _

_I want you to forgive yourself though. I know you blame yourself for my actions; it's just the person you are. But let me say this: You are not to blame. You have done nothing wrong and nothing you could have done could have prevented any of this. You are worthy of so much, you deserve someone who can love and cherish you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. _

_I will make you this promise though: I will love you and Sofia forever with all of my heart, but I will understand if you don't want to see me or talk to me or come around. I will do whatever you need me to do to find closure. If you want me out of your life, I will move across the city, the country, the world even if that is what you need me to do. _

_I am sorry for what I have done to you and I hope this gives you the closure you deserve. Everything from here on out will be done on your terms. _

_-Arizona _

Placing the pen down next to her letter, Arizona sighed. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she stood, folding the letter. Callie had served her divorce papers two days earlier, and she had signed them immediately and sent them back so Callie could have them filed. They had a meeting concerning the custody of Sofia and the division of assets in five days, and she wanted to deliver her letter before then, but she wanted Callie to know they'd do it however she wanted.

Standing, she rubbed slightly at her prosthetic. It was hurting her a lot, but she took it. In a way, she felt she deserved the pain. It was karmic revenge. Walking out of her office, she headed up to the orthopedic floor to deliver her letter. Callie was home, off call for the weekend, and Arizona knew it would be easier for the other woman not to have to look at her.

As she approached her office, she ignored the stares and whispers. These were Callie's people.

She quickly entered Callie's office, laying the paper gently on her keyboard. Walking out of the office, she didn't notice her wife, or rather ex wife, watching her from down the hall.

* * *

Arizona sat in the conference room in the office building across the table from the divorce lawyer. She was wearing dark slacks and a white T-shirt with a blazer and her leg ached. Anxiety was welling within her and she felt waves panic rising within her. She rubbed at her sore and swollen leg. Callie hadn't acknowledged the letter and had given no hint to where she stood on the matter or their impending divorce.

Finally, the door swung open and Callie walked in looking almost as anxious as she was feeling.

"Ah, Ms. Torres. Have a seat, and we can begin," the lawyer said, sounding bored.

"I don't want anything. The apartment, the stocks, the bank accounts, I don't want any of it," Arizona blurted out, staring at Callie's blank face.

There was a pause, before the man spoke again.

"Alright, then. Who is taking custody of your daughter, Sofia?"

Arizona just looked at Callie. This was her call.

The room was completely silent.

"Uh, your daughter, Sofia? Who will be her custodial parent and will visitation be granted?" He asked again.

He was once again met with silence.

Arizona was really unnerved.

"Callie, this is your call. I instigated this situation, you have the right to deny me visitation,"

There was another minute of silence before Callie stood.

"I think we're done here," she said, before walking back towards the way she came in.

"Callie?!"

Arizona jumped up, rushing after her as quickly as her abused leg would take her, but Callie kept walking. It wasn't until they were outside that she came to a sudden halt. Arizona was panting, rubbing her thigh and standing a few feet back.

Tapping her foot agitatedly, she spoke, still staring forward at the parking lot.

"You can't just do that to me, you know?"

"Cal-"

"You can't just make me be the one who decides visitation privileges and where you live and how you live, you can't just do that to me!"

Arizona rubbed at her leg. It felt like it was on fire, but she pushed it to the back of her mind.

"I wanted it to be easier on you,"

Callie scoffed, finally turning to face Arizona. Her eyes were brimming with tears.

"Easier! How is this easier? I have enough to worry about without this on top of everything!"

Arizona flinched at the tone of her voice.

"You filed for divorce,"

"You had over a month. I thought you'd at least fight for me, for us! I had finally come to terms with the fact that we were over and then you drop this bombshell of a letter on me!"

Callie pulled up a folded paper she immediately recognized as the letter she left on her desk.

When Arizona didn't speak, she gave a frustrated growl and started to walk towards her car.

"Callie-Calliope!"

Arizona yelled after her, trying to keep in stride with the other woman when her leg gave out. With a grunt, she hit the pavement, her leg feeling like it was on fire. She managed to push herself into a sitting position. Her palms were scraped, but she barely registered it over the pain coming from her leg.

Hearing Arizona fall, Callie stopped in her tracks, quickly rushing to her side. She was gritting her teeth and holding pressure on her thigh. Her eyes narrowed, immediately sensing something was wrong. Reaching out, she gently laid her hand on the other woman's leg and Arizona yelped. She could feel the heat coming from it.

Feeling a sense of anxiety rising, she knew before she saw what had happened. Ripping away at Arizona's pant leg, she couldn't stop the gasp as she saw the state of the leg. It was a deep red color and swelled over the socket of the prosthetic. There were pressure sores and blisters visible even with the protective sleeve.

"Arizona! This needs to come off. Right now!"

After undoing all of the straps, Callie started to pull the leg off and Arizona whimpered in pain.

Her leg was so swollen it wouldn't come off.

Callie grimaced, "How-why did you let it get this bad?"

Arizona looked away, not being able to look at the concerned expression adorning Callie's face, "It wasn't this bad this morning,"

Callie quickly scooped up Arizona in her arms and started towards her car, alarmed by how light her wife was. She had lost a lot of weight.

"Ca-Callie, put me down! I can walk. It's fine," Arizona argued.

"It's not fine! Don't give me that crap, Arizona. What the hell is wrong with you? You know proper residual limb care is essential in amputees! Why did you let your leg get to this state?" Callie asked, holding Arizona tighter in distress.

Finally Arizona stopped struggling. "I-it wasn't this bad this morning. I mean, it's been sore but I don't-I don't look at...it," she forced out her eyes squeezed shut.

She had spent her time with her shrink talking about Callie and how to be the person she wanted to be. But she'd never talked about the leg or her self-image, actively avoiding the subject.

Callie's heart broke. Though she was still angry and hurt over Arizona's infidelity, she still loved and cared for the other woman. It was so hard for her to admit weakness, and she knew Arizona was doing it for her.

"I just-I deserve it. I mean, a little discomfort is nothing compared to the pain I caused you. It's-it's deserved. It's punishment for my actions. I deserve this,"

Arizona's voice was small, resigned and broken. Her mind had created the warped, roundabout belief that she deserved physical pain as a punishment for her infidelity.

Callie sighed, "This is insane and so wrong. You don't deserve this. You were hurting. You are hurting, and I haven't been there for you,"

Suddenly Arizona started to wiggle out of her grasp, but Callie held tight, only a few feet from her car.

Her eyes blazing and her voice almost desperate, Arizona spoke, her voice constricted by tears, "Please don't say that Callie. Please. You were everything, everything, I could have asked for. You did nothing wrong. This isn't on you,"

Callie didn't respond, setting Arizona lightly on the ground, not letting go until she was sure Arizona wasn't going to fall over. Even then, she still used one hand to steady her wife while she unlocked the door with the other.

"Get in,"

Arizona shook her head, "Callie, no, you've alre-"

"Get in the damn car, Arizona!" Callie shouted, stress practically oozing from her pores. It was clear her mind was going a million miles an hour.

Shocked, Arizona quickly clambered into the car, ignoring the shooting pain it caused her leg.

Climbing in the other side, Callie started the car and began the drive to the hospital. Her mind was reeling with all the new information she had been presented with in the last five minutes. One particular thought kept popping up over and over.

"Why didn't you fight for me?" She blurted out, her heart pounding, "Why didn't you fight for us?"

Arizona stared at her hands, wringing them anxiously, before she answered, "I didn't think I had that right,"

"You think you didn't have the right? Really? Arizona, I waited weeks to hear something, anything, and all I got was silence. I just want to understand and even now you're shutting me out!"

"I can't help you understand when I don't even understand! I don't understand anything anymore and I don't understand how you expect me to just have all of the answers! I don't understand why my leg is gone or why Mark and Lexie are gone. I don't understand why everyone else can just put it behind them and be happy, why no one else has a debilitating injury. I don't understand how you could save Derek fucking Shepard, but not me, your wife! I don't understand any of this and I don't understand how you can expect me too!" Arizona had her head in her hands, trying to stop the tears that were spilling over.

Callie's heart broke as she listened to her wife's explanation. All the pain and hurt and confusion Arizona had been holding back, hiding, was now out in the open. Pulling the car over, she turned to face Arizona more fully. Reaching out, she laid her hand on her cheek, and Arizona leaned into the touch.

"I'm just so tired, Callie," she whispered, eyes sliding shut as exhaustion washed over her. "The truth is that I honestly don't understand why I did what I did. I don't understand how I keep making the wrong decisions. I just keep fucking up and I don't know how to stop, I have no idea how to stop being this monster. I want so much to understand what's going on in my own head so that I can be myself again, instead of this monster! I want you understand, but I just can't explain it, any of it. And it's so damn exhausting,"

Callie shifted closer, making waiting until Arizona looked at her, "Then just rest. I didn't-you're so different from me, Arizona, and I never know what's going on your head anymore. And I though it was because you we're blocking me out because you were angry, but there's so much more to it, isn't there?" she paused, "So you just rest, okay? You rest and I'll try and help you the way I should have from the very beginning, okay?"

Callie's mind was reeling with all of this new information. But as Arizona laid her head on her shoulder and entwined their fingers for the first time in months, Callie felt like she had a glimpse into Arizona's mind.

* * *

A/N: I was considering making this a two or three shot, so if anyone is interested, let me know.


End file.
